She thinks that she feels that she’s small and she is
She thinks that she feels that she’s small
She’s small and she wonders why anyone would
And figures out nothing at all

She’s small and she thinks that she feels that she might
She thinks that she feels that she might
She might she guesses she probably should
She’s small and she knows that she’s right

Why don’t you eat me
Lick the bowl
Why don’t you meet me
Down the rabid hole

She thinks that she feels that she’s small and she is
She thinks that she feels that she’s small
She’s small and she blunders and swallows the pill
And winds up with nothing at all

She’s small and she thinks that she feels that she’s done
She thinks that she feels that she’s done
She’s done and she guesses and guesses until
She’s small and she figures she’s won

Hall of Pain

He left West Troy on Friday, just before the sun
Enou a day to die day, and Taffy Dumbleton
An Alpha with his tail turned up, and no one would suspect
The sacred desk, a yard of hemp, a halter round his neck

Antonio the monkey man, Italian in their eyes
Oh gee O.D. O’Donnell, the organ grinder dies
The sacred wafer hang bird’s hair, alone and dressed in shrouds
And Gabriel’s trumpet bid await the killer in the clouds

The hands of man and angels joined could never reach my case
Nor can I hope to find relief but in thy boundless grace

He left West Troy on Friday, just before the sun
A Noah a day to die day, and Taffy Dumbleton
Omega with his tale turned down, a thousand thousand years
The sacred desk, the hangman’s rope, the Bible and his tears

Crogolin Grange

Fisher may sound like a plebian name but the family is really quite old
They lived in a place they called Crogolin Grange, in Cumberland, so I’ve been told
A church and a bone yard abutted the house, an edifice one story high
The terrace commanded a view of the grounds as far as could see with the eye

Family and fortune outgrowing the place the Fishers retired to the north
But not before heretofore letting the place to tenants who lived there there forth
Two brothers one sister for seven long years by contract did thereby arrange
To have and to hold until death did they part the abbey at Crogolin Grange

The winter they spent oh so happily there the summer was dreadfully hot
They slept late and dined late at sundown retired to the terrace that ran round the top
The sunset the moon rise the belt of the trees till all was in silvery light
And shadows that fell from the apse of the church were swallowed up whole by the night

At moon tide the siblings would make their good nights and Indian file to sleep
Put on their night shirts and pray to their God and pray that their souls they would keep
Till one sultry evening the sister she saw what the sister thought damnably strange
She saw that a nocturnal pilgrim approached the abbey at Crogolin Grange

A long bony finger a scratch and a spare
A long bony finger the creature came in
A long bony finger entwined in her hair
A long bony finger and blood from her chin

It bit her and licked her she whimpered and screamed her brothers they ran from their room
A bitter sweet jesus a wound in the throat and after it into the gloom
And there in the bone yard a terrible thing in tatters and seven feet tall
It fled through the moonlight with gigantic strides and disappeared over the wall

A gun shot a blood trail and all is revealed a vault full of coffins defiled
I fear that it’s clear that I’m very much hurt said the sensible girl and she smiled
A stake and a hammer and off with her head and the crossroads did thereby arrange
And then took a powder and then put a match to the abbey at Crogolin Grange

A long bony finger a scratch and a spare
A long bony finger the creature came in
A long bony finger entwined in her hair
A long bony finger the blood from her chin

Who’s Dumber Than Me

Water everywhere and not a drop to drink
Cross your eyes and dot the tease
It’s later than I think
Who’s dumber than me

No forest big tree
The dam is breaking up look out below
No tickee laundry
Tsu-tsu-tsunami
You must be joking
You must be

Survey situation
Bite the apple take the fall
A permanent vacation
Take a permanent vacation
It’s so permanent

I was astounded
Water walk on water everywhere
I was astounded
By what the clown did
You are surrounded
But not a drop to drink
Cross your eyes and dot the tease
It’s later than I think
Who’s dumber than me

Noah row a boat ashore
Hosanna in the highest
The fucking queen wants two pair more
Don’t disappoint her highness
Don't disappoint me

I was astounded
God save the fucking queen and all her men
I was astounded
By what the clown did
You are surrounded
But not a drop to drink
Cross your eyes and dot the tease
It’s later than I think
Who’s dumber than me

Rachel

Rachel had a real nice ass
And crabs the size of sparrows
She kept the latter under glass
The former on the straight and narrow
Rachel played with clay and paint
She called her toys her art
And no one told her that it ain't
Cause that would just have broke her little heart

Rachel had a real nice ass
She kept in a museum
A fin to ride in the crevasse
A dollar just to see 'em
Rachel played with paint and clay
She thought her toys were swell
She should have thrown them in the bay
And freed the crabs as well

Regret And Despair

Reached middle age at 19 years old it was downhill from there
Went to Devries to learn a career: small engine repair
Took me a wife
Her breasts they were large
They soothed all my cares
Then I found out darkness set in
Regret and despair

21 years we had us a son he was dumber than sin
Crawled out of mommy grabbed him a tit and grinned him a grin
Soon came 4 more
The trailer was full
My patience worn thin
26 years found out real hard
There’s no way to win

Down tumble down we go
Deeper and deeper into the hole
Promises made in the heat of a fuck
I’ve dug my own grave
I’m shit out of luck

33 years they took Adeline now she’s deader than nails
Buried her there out by the barn in top hat and tails
Took a new wife
She was wife number two
Her dowry was large
41 years took off with some Swede
And she left me in charge

51 years met wife number three her hips they were wide
Hated her soon she hated me worse my fat blushing bride
Hands round her neck till she turned a bright blue
She’s deader than dead
I painted her face
I bought her a drink
And I took her to bed

Down tumble down we go
Deeper and deeper into the hole
Promises made in the heat of a fuck
I’ve dug my own grave
I’m shit out of luck

Harvey Loped Along

Harvey’s father looked at Harvey’s mother and the look made mommy shudder
The words he uttered they drove the poison to her brain
Harvey’s mother spread her wings hosanna and the angels she went under
He tore asunder all she’d remember was the pain

Everything was beautiful and wonderful when Harvey loped along

Harvey stuck his head out then he tried to get back in but something stopped him
Then mommy dropped him and then she headed out the door
Harvey tried to crawl except he couldn’t move at all and no one listened
So Harvey glistened a bloody mess upon the floor

Everything was beautiful and wonderful when Harvey loped along

Everything was beautiful and wonderful when Harvey loped along

Harvey made no sound as he was planted in the ground just like the others
Sisters and brothers his nieces nephews and in laws
Harvey’s father looked at Harvey’s mother and the look made Mommy queasy
It’s very easy but don’t feel sad at all because

Everything was beautiful and wonderful when Harvey loped along

Where’s Bob Crane

Went down to Putzie’s for a couple of beers
Kinch and Lebow were already there
A couple of Rheingolds loose in my veins
I feel it in my hips and I feel the pain
Hovis be thy name
Where's Bob Crane

Hogan ran the Stalag Stalag 13
Come on here Schultzie if you know what I mean
Little Carter told me he was ready to blow
I said come on down and bring Lebow
Hovis be thy name
Where's Bob Crane

Hogan walked in and got right to the point
Said bend over Hildy and I’ll show you West Point
Gotta start drinking
Gotta start thinking
Bring Colonel Klink in

Where are you my Hogan
My colonel
My major supreme
Where are you my Hogan
My fly boy
My love machine

Carter blew the depot for some dame
Hogan got the cooler wouldn’t give up her name
They went down to Putzie's for a couple of beers
I said bring in Lebow cause they’re already here
Hovis be thy name
Where's Bob Crane

Newkirk bit the bullet kissed her right on the mouth
He put on his brogans and headed down south
The number one answer it’s right over there
Checked into a hotel and tied to a chair
Hovis be thy name
Where’s Bob Crane

Hogan walked in and got right to the point
Said bend over Hildy and I’ll show you West Point
Gotta start drinking
Gotta start thinking
Bring Colonel Klink in

Where are you my Hogan
My colonel
My major supreme
Where are you my Hogan
My fly boy
My love machine

Something Wicked This Way Comes

Bring me his thing said the opening to her underling
Thy will be done said the under one to the other one
What shall we do when the thing is through do we rendezvous
We’ll have it with tea and a fricassee a delicacy
Eye of newt and tongue of frog
Slips of yew and son of doG
Look and see what you have done
Something wicked this way comes

Read them and weep and the trees will speak firmly tongue in cheek
Thunder and fife and a carving knife for the butcher’s wife
Lead on MacDuff and I’ll huff and puff and that other stuff
Sneak up behind said the mastermind gets him every time
Though thy name is vanity
Grow fat as a manatee
By the pricking of my thumb
Something wicked this way comes

Bring me his thing said the opening to her underling
Thy will be that said the diplomat to the other cat
What shall we do when the thing is thru do we eat it too
Throw it away tara boom di-a no good anyway
Crimes against humanity
You can plead insanity
Look and see what you have done
Something wicked this way comes

McDewey

MacNeice he took a wife to sow a moo cow for the butter
In his cups too much to know the one cud from the udder
When he saw what he had wrought he went to boil some water
One of these is beef he thought the other is my daughter

McGoohan flapped his gums awhile awaiting inspiration
Went to Taffy Dumbleton and checked in as a patient
Spent his day with Kurds in way out left wing demonstration
Bandied others words about and joined the League of Nations

The dead man told a little bird
What the dumb guy told him that the deaf man heard
The little dog barked to see such fun and the blind man saw the cripple boy run

Fred MacMurray had three sons a bit short on genetics
Two of them had Parkinson’s the third was encephalitic
The latter came to pass away all three would have been risky
Buried him on Saturday and sold his blood for whiskey

Bob McFarland sucked his thumb while planning his inscription
When he saw what he had done he phoned in his prescription
Golly Ollie achtung Reich a Dutch boy on a pony
Stuck his finger in a dyke and called it abalone

Rub a dub dar three men in a jar
They may be they might be they probably are
The little boy blew to see such fun and the blind man saw the cripple boy run

Gil Mcdougall met his bride while flirting with disaster
When he tried to get inside he couldn’t put it past her
Started thinking second thoughts and swinging from the rafters
Then the roof came falling in and Gil came tumbling after

McDewey shot the breeze awhile awaiting execution
Learned about the birds and bees and read the Constitution
Winked at all the residents escaped into the garden
Made himself the president and gave himself a pardon

The dead man told a little bird
What the dumb guy told him that the deaf man heard
The little dog barked to see such fun and the blind man saw the cripple boy run

Monument Road

From a Winasook policeman comes a Winasook tale
About a feeble minded family in a Winasook jail
Lunatic or moron no one knows
15 people taken off of Monument Road
Doolittle neer do well and falling down
Well known terror of a Winasook town
Abenak or gypsy so it goes
15 people taken off of Monument Road

Witch sells her maidenhead and stinks of gin
Devil he’s a fathered what don’t look like him
Abenak or gypsy so it goes
15 people taken off of Monument Road
Bad all together and they all grows worse
Scratching out a living off the white man’s curse
Abenak or gypsy so it goes
15 people taken off of Monument Road

Onan

Jehoshaphat sat in his wing tip shoes
Eating bloody Mary and singing the blues
Staring out the window like a dying man
Eating his dinner from a garbage can

Beelzebub laughed till his face turned red
Thinking about something what the Pilate said
Called to his man for a two dollar whore
Said don't come back till a quarter to four

Abraham wandered and Jesus wept
Lucifer knelt and was crowned
Solomon nodded and lazarus slept
And Onan spilled seed on the ground
Onan spilled seed on the ground

Jezebel smiled and spread her wings
Hosanna in the highest now the angels sing
Heading for heaven in a cadillac hearse
Might have been better could have been worse

Cain he slew his wife because she wasn’t able
Now he’s got to take his loving out behind the stable
Love is kind of funny
It’s such an ugly thing to see
I know i’m really miserable
That’s how I know that you’re in love with me

Mister Yamamoto

A microscopic gentleman from Japan Mister Yamamoto
Careened around the east in his powder blue Desoto
When stopped for speeding copped a feel
Keeping one hand on the wheel
The other underneath his silk kimono

Piggy Logan’s circus has fleas and freaks in varying amounts
He’s free with the fleas but saves the freaks for when it counts
Although it may be short of rings
It’s rich in many other things
The satisfaction of the public being paramount

Daisy Purvis house of ill repute was home to Jimmy’s talking pants
Sometimes they gave good advice but mostly they just rants
The only time their chatter ceased
Was when she tightened up the crease
They weren’t much to look at but oh my how they could dance

A microscopic gentleman from the east Mister Yamamoto
Made in Japan till he expired in his dojo
He was shortly laid to rest
Near the place that he loved best
A dusty patch of ground outside Toledo

Lemons

Oranges and lemons say the bells of St Clemons
The apple of Haversham's eye
The fruit of their labor: a full semi-quaver
Cause Clemons a hell of a guy

Willing Abel Magwitch
Perched upon a scarecrow
Blonder than a pale face
Blundered into no place
Told himself a good one
Rolled himself a barrel
Sold his soul to Satan
Waved bye-bye

Willing Abel Magwitch
Searched for second chances
Wandered in the out door
Wondered what's the shoes for
Skipped the light fantastic
Tripped upon a mushroom
Slipped into a coma
Waved bye-bye

And he looked at his wrist it read twenty-two nine
That was the time

When will you pay me say the bells of Old Bailey
Nothing much makes any sense
Just follow the orders and show them no quarter
And certainly spare no expense

Willing Abel Magwitch
Lurched in through the out door
Pondered all the gold teeth
Plundered like a sneak thief
Learned himself a lesson
Burned into his memory
Turned into a lampshade
Waved bye-bye

Willing Abel Magwitch
Searched for second chances
Wandered in the out door
Wondered what the shoes for
Stumbled on the answer
Mumbled mea culpa
Fumbled for his watch fob
Waved bye-bye

And he looked at his wrist it read twenty-two nine
That was the time

When I grow rich say the bells of Shoreditch
A poor man's excuse for a lie
Like gold-fingered Midas there's no one besides us
The silver-tongued devil and I

Hale Bop

Doesn't matter what people say
Soon enough we'll fly away
With Uhuru up into the stars
Where Uranus aligns with Mars

Shed your container and fly with me
Into out very own galaxy
BK baggie coming for the ride
It's a long journey til we get inside

Mr Sulu won't you sign in please
Leave your nuggets cause you won't need these
Have a drink and sit right down
Pack your suitcase let's blow this town

He who fights and runs away
Lives to flight another day
Come with me up into the stars
Where Uranus aligns with Mars

Shed your libido and fly with me
It's so easy baby can't you see
Don't make a peep let me be your guide
It's a long journey till we get inside

Ahoy there baby won't you goodness knows
Leave your nuggets cause you won't need those
Have a drink and lie right down
Pick your poison lets blow this town

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