They took the whole Indian nation
Locked us in this institution
(Of higher learning)
And though I wear a shirt and tie
I still part Redman deep inside

Not content with regulating what sort of toilet paper its subjects are permitted to wipe their asses with, the Obamamessiah administration has moved on to deciding which species will live and which will die. Denouncing those who cling to the theory of evolution and instead taking up his gun, the science president has announced a plan to murder barred owls, a species whose aggressive tendencies threaten the existence of the endangered spotted owl (solyndra occidentalis). The administration plans to shoot hundreds of the barred owls with shotguns in a last ditch effort to save the spotted owl, who may well survive, albeit not the as the fittest.

So we Weasels are working on yet another pointless record and the recording software we use is called Samplitude, which made by a German Company called Magix. The program has not worked properly since I bought it - specifically it crashes a lot, and it especially crashes when I use its amplifier simulations. As you can imagine it can be frustrating when you’ve tediously edited a section of music and the program crashes and you lose that work. So mostly I’ve eschewed using the effects because I only have so much patience and the rest of the process is trying enough.

As we’ve come closer to the end applying effects becomes more important though and so I decided to get to the bottom of the Samplitude matter. It used to be that Sam offered phone support, but no longer. Now they offer email support through their German “help desk,” which is helpful in the same way that cholera is, with the added bonus that their support is offered in a vippering vipporvill sort of broken English as a second language - imagine Sargent Schultz with a brain injury, it’s about like that.  Aye no nut think!

So I contacted the help desk and spoke to “Klaus.” Klaus’s initial suggestion was that I run this diagnostic program they have, which I did. The diagnostic was supposed to mail the results to Klaus, except it didn’t, so I had to run it again, and email the results myself, which I did. Klaus then passed the ticket to “Dietrich,” who suggested that I install and run this diagnostic program they have, which I did. This time however I cleverly skipped the part where the diagnostic was supposed to email the results to Dietrich, because fool me once. Dietrich determined that I had to install a “patch,” which was available on a certain page on the Magix website, the location of which on the internet he vaguely described, he thinking this more efficient than sending me a direct link to the program. Much hilarity having ensued I located the patch - less of a “patch” than a 100 MB executable file but whatever - which I installed, which patch failed to alleviate the crashing, after which Dietrich suggested that I run the diagnostic, which found that the patch had not been applied for some reason, after which I ran the patch again, after which I ran the diagnostic, which found that the patch had been applied, at which point Dietrich transferred the ticket to “Franzi,” who suggested I run a diagnostic.

I should mention at this point that the Germans at the “help desk” only respond to emails between 7AM and 10AM EST, which means if I send an email on Monday morning they respond on Tuesday afternoon. When I asked one of them about their 24-hour turn around time they described their efforts as “bending over backwerds to try and get this resolved.” So needless to say all of this run the diagnostic stuff took about two weeks.

Franzi determined that Samplitude was installed in the wrong path in the wrong directory. You could have knocked me over with a strudle. When I asked Franzi why Samplitude would have installed itself in the wrong directory, why no one would have noticed that before, and why it would only cause the amp sims to crash the program he replied: “You can ignore my tip but that will change nothing.” And that was all he said. At which point I asked to speak to his supervisor, who, predictably, suggested I run a diagnostic.

Somewhere along the way it occurred to me that it if Klaus, Dietrich and Franzi had been guards at Treblinka this whole holocaust unpleasantness could have been avoided. Doctor Mengele would have ordered Klaus to bring him a couple of twins to dissect and Klaus would have been all ‘Nein you haf not taken der hint vit der lookink alike babeez” and when Himmler told Franzi to gas a few box cars full of Poles Franzi would have taken a nap and when Rudolf Hoss sent Dietrich a memo ordering him to burn a few Juden in the crematoria a week later Dietrich would have sent Hoss a memo asking Hoss to resend the memo he’d sent a week ago and by then the Russian troops would have overrun Berlin.

In a 1993 Roper poll, one third of German adults agreed that it was possible that the Holocaust had never happened; 28 percent of German adults and 39 percent of German students didn’t even know what the term Holocaust meant; and 50 percent of German high school students couldn’t identify Auschwitz as a concentration camp. Having been unsuccessful in eliminating the Jews from Europe at least the Germans have been successful in eliminating the memory of their unsuccessful attempt. So obviously they can still be efficient, when it suits them.

As for the Weasels and Samplitude?

Never again.

 

 

 

   

I’m no liberal, but at least in the old days the democratic party had the self respect to elect degenerates any patriot could be proud of: at the head of the parade was the rapist and murderer Ted kennedy, and following behind him a procession of priapists (JFK, Clinton), pimps (Barney Frank), johns (Elliot Spritzer), pedophiles (Mel Reynolds), and batshit crazy perverts (Wilbur Mills, Jim McGreevey). This lastest escapade shows exactly how low the party of Thomas Jefferson (whoremonger) has fallen.

Instead of going out and getting drunk and assaulting a waitress like say a Chris Dodd might have done, Weiner evidently sat at home in front of his PC on Friday nights touching himself like a pimply teenager in an AOL chatroom. I ask you: what kind of a country are we living in when a sitting congressman can’t get a little trim on the side and instead has to resort to onanism? Well I’m sorry, but there comes a time when a red blooded american has to take a stand - and this is it. Faced with looming bankruptcy and fighting three wars on two continents we cannot afford to have our elected representatives spewing their precious bodily fluids into socks and Kleenex, not while there are cocktail waitresses, underaged staffers, and unpaid interns upon whom they could force their attentions. For the good of the republic, Weiner must go.

In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said, “Is it good, friend?”
“It is bitter - bitter,” he answered;
“But I like it
Because it is bitter,
And because it is my heart.”

Stephen Crane

d. June 5, 1900 

 

I was bored yesterday afternoon and rather than lay around watching TV I decided to channel my ennui and create a great work of modern art. This I did by opening Webster’s Revised Unabridged Dictionary to page 1850 (put-putty), placing the dictionary on a stump in the backyard, and leaving it there to biodegrade, which biodegradation I will then record photographically. The resulting work, entitled “putrescence,” can be part of your collection for a paltry one million dollars, stump not included. That might seems like a lot now but remember that it will no doubt become much more valuable when I’m dead.

Bill Shannon, a baseball historian, author and an official scorer for the Mets and Yankees died in a house fire in West Caldwell, N.J on October 25. As if his week wasn’t bad enough, Shannon, 69, was later eulogized by his friend, former sportscaster Keith Olbermann.

Hi, is there someone who can give me some directions about playing the sax? I’ve just purchased one and would love to know how to play it?? Some helpful weblinks would also be great!!

First things first. If you’re a white guy you’ll need a stupid hat, the stupider the better, and preferably a beret. Sunglasses are optional, but all the really really good players wear them, especially indoors. You’ll also need some “gig shirts” — Hawaiians are good, in a pinch anything with a loud floral pattern is acceptable, as are T-shirts from various jazz clubs and festivals. Sandals are a must, even in winter.

Once you’ve assembled the proper attire you can begin practicing. The most important thing about playing is being able to convey emotion to the audience. This you do through various facial expressions. The two emotions you’ll need to convey are (1) rapture and (2) soul wrenching pain and sadness (i.e., the blues). You may find it useful in the beginning to borrow a page from the method acting school. So, for example, to convey rapture try thinking of something nice, like puppy dogs or getting a rim job from Uma Thurman. To convey the “blues” try thinking of something really really appalling, like ulcerative colitis or Alec Baldwin. Practice your facial expressions in front of a mirror at least two hours per day. You may feel a tad stupid at first, but you’ll never get the chicks if you don’t jump around on stage like a monkey with a rabid wolverine in its colon. And bottom line, chicks is really what music’s about.

Next, you’ll need the correct ligature. Some people think that the ligature is just a stupid piece of old metal that holds the reed on the mouthpiece. Well, those people are idiots. Besides your beret, your ligature is the single most important piece of musical equipment you will ever buy. Mine, for example, is 40% platinum and 60% titanium; one screw is rubidium and the other plutonium. It makes me sound exactly like Booker Ervin would if Booker Ervin were (1) not dead and (2) on Mars, if (2)(a) there was oxygen on Mars. You may have to spend years and years and thousands of dollars finding the proper ligature, but in the end it will definitely be worth it.

Now: reeds. Optimally you’ll want to move to the Cuba, grow and cure your own cane and carve your own reeds by hand. If you’re just a “weekend warrior” however, you can get by with store-bought. First, buy ten boxes of reeds, that’s 100 in all. Next, open all the boxes and throw away 60 reeds. Those were unplayable. Take the remaining reeds and soak them in a mixture of 27.8% rubbing alcohol and 72.2% pituitary gland extract for 17 weeks. Throw away 20 more reeds: those were stuffy. Take the remaining 20 reeds and sand each one for exactly 13 seconds with #1200 grade 3M sandpaper. Throw away 14 reeds. Those squeaked. Take the remaining 6 reeds and soak them for another 17 weeks, this time however in a mixture of 27.8% pituitary gland extract and 72.2% rubbing alcohol. Sun dry the 6 remaining reeds for 3 weeks, optimally at an equatorial latitude, and throw away 3 more on general principles. You now have 3 reeds that will last you several months if you play each one only 20 minutes a day in strict rotation.

Now, you say you just bought a horn. Although you didn’t say what kind it is, I’d sell it immediately and get a different one. The best one to get would be a Selmer Mark VI made on June 14, 1963, serial number 135543. If you can’t get that one though, generally speaking the older and more expensive the better. The following brands are good: Selmer Paris Mark VI. The following brands suck: any other Selmer, Yamaha, Conn, Beuscher, Yanigasawa, Cannonball, LA, Jupiter, Elkhart, King, Martin, Keilworth, Boosey and Hawkes, Couf, Silvertone, and Holton.

You will also need some accoutrements: a flight case capable of withstanding atmospheric pressure of dP = - Dg dz where D and g are, respectively, the density of air and the acceleration due to gravity at the altitude of the air layer and dz is a horizontal layer of air having unit surface area and infinitesimal thickness; a metronome; a tuner; a combination alto, tenor, and baritone sax stand with pegs for oboe, bass clarinet, flute, English horn and bassoon; Band in a Box; a reed cutter; swabs, cleaners, pad savers, pad dope, pad clamps; a Sennheiser Digital 1092 Wireless Microphone; and an effects rig with digital delay and parametric EQ.

It will be helpful if you listen to lots of sax players. Unfortunately, listening to players you like is the worst thing you can do. To really understand the music and its traditions, you have to go back to the beginning and work forward. I’d start with madrigals and listen to every note of music ever recorded. Once you get to the 20th century, pay particular attention to Jimmy Dorsey, the inventor of modern jazz. In no time at all you’ll be able to understand the unique be-bop stylings of players like Ace Cannon, Boots Randolph and Grover Washington Jr.

Finally, to play the saxophone itself, blow in the small end and wiggle your fingers.