They took the whole Indian nation
Locked us in this institution
(Of higher learning)
And though I wear a shirt and tie
I still part Redman deep inside

 

 

 

   

I’m no liberal, but at least in the old days the democratic party had the self respect to elect degenerates any patriot could be proud of: at the head of the parade was the rapist and murderer Ted kennedy, and following behind him a procession of priapists (JFK, Clinton), pimps (Barney Frank), johns (Elliot Spritzer), pedophiles (Mel Reynolds), and batshit crazy perverts (Wilbur Mills, Jim McGreevey). This lastest escapade shows exactly how low the party of Thomas Jefferson (whoremonger) has fallen.

Instead of going out and getting drunk and assaulting a waitress like say a Chris Dodd might have done, Weiner evidently sat at home in front of his PC on Friday nights touching himself like a pimply teenager in an AOL chatroom. I ask you: what kind of a country are we living in when a sitting congressman can’t get a little trim on the side and instead has to resort to onanism? Well I’m sorry, but there comes a time when a red blooded american has to take a stand - and this is it. Faced with looming bankruptcy and fighting three wars on two continents we cannot afford to have our elected representatives spewing their precious bodily fluids into socks and Kleenex, not while there are cocktail waitresses, underaged staffers, and unpaid interns upon whom they could force their attentions. For the good of the republic, Weiner must go.

I was bored yesterday afternoon and rather than lay around watching TV I decided to channel my ennui and create a great work of modern art. This I did by opening Webster’s Revised Unabridged Dictionary to page 1850 (put-putty), placing the dictionary on a stump in the backyard, and leaving it there to biodegrade, which biodegradation I will then record photographically. The resulting work, entitled “putrescence,” can be part of your collection for a paltry one million dollars, stump not included. That might seems like a lot now but remember that it will no doubt become much more valuable when I’m dead.

Bill Shannon, a baseball historian, author and an official scorer for the Mets and Yankees died in a house fire in West Caldwell, N.J on October 25. As if his week wasn’t bad enough, Shannon, 69, was later eulogized by his friend, former sportscaster Keith Olbermann.

Evidently the appalling Ken Burns will this fall be releasing a rehash of his dreadful baseball documentary. Hopefully he’ll again feature plagiarist Doris Kearns Goodwin droning on interminably about her love affair with the Red Sox - Note to Doris Goodwin: Doris, no one cares, shut up, you suck - and tortured dwarf Bob Costas reminiscing about doomed golden boy Tony Conigliaro. The only more repulsive baseball entertainment I can imagine is a film of John Kruk and David Ortiz fucking.

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do hereby . . .  wheel former Exalted Cyclops in the Klu Klux Klan slash walking cadaver Robert Byrd into the Senate Building so he can drool and shit his diapers cast a meaningful and considered vote on health care legislation.

“I don’t know if you have heard that it is legislation for the future, not just about health care for America, but about a healthier America, where preventive care is not something that you have to pay a deductible for or out of pocket.  Prevention, prevention, prevention—it’s about diet, not diabetes,” says Nancy Pelosi, who eats ice cream for breakfast.

If Pelosi really wants to do something for the health of the nation, she should get the president to stop smoking.

“No one believes more firmly than Comrade Napoleon that all animals are equal. He would be only too happy to let you make your decisions for yourselves. But sometimes you might make the wrong decisions, comrades, and then where should we be?”

Here’s wishing that you all get what you deserve this holiday season.

There is nothing in the world like a persuasive speech to fuddle the mental apparatus and upset the convictions and debauch the emotions of an audience not practiced in the tricks and delusions of oratory.

Mark Twain