According to Thursday’s New York Times, our  “national obsession with soft [toilet] paper “. . . comes at a price: millions of trees harvested . . . . including some percentage of trees from rare old-growth forests.” The problem according to irony deficient reporter Leslie Kaufman - seemingly oblivious to the fact that the Slimes itself is MADE OF PAPER - is that soft toilet tissue relies on fiber from standing trees for its “plush feel.”

If she’s truly concerned about the poor trees Ms. Kaufman should do what I do: wipe her ass with that slattern Maureen Dowd’s column. Dowd, a hack writer who was diagnosed with Deranged Bush Syndrome after getting banged repeatedly by doddering sex addict Michael Douglas, now spends her days laughing at her own jokes and frantically masturbating with a Dick Cheney doll while slowly morphing into Helen Thomas.

For the record, I’ve tried using other bits of the Times, but outside the Sunday magazine none of it as soft and squishy as Dowd. Frank Rich’s column came close, but I was always worried that he’d slip me some tongue.